Dear Fury,
My problem is a bit embarrassing but since this is an anonymous forum, I’m going to let it all hang out. I’m a writer, but I’m not published. My kids know I’m a writer because I tell them I am. They know their dad goes into the office everyday and that he’s a businessman (whatever that means, uh-huh) but I stay home and write on my computer. They ask to see or read what I’ve written and everything (so far) is just on my computer so it’s not an easy or obvious feat. It’s not that I’ve NEVER been published, so I guess my earlier statement was a bit of hyperbole, but I’ve never been published in hard copy. The essays I write are all on the Internet. They vanish with the click of a mouse or the zap of an outage. I have no physical books or magazines to show them. Plus, the sites I publish on are all small entities, not vast well-known publications.
So, how can I get my children to understand that I’m a writer even though I have nothing tangible to show them? I’m almost tempted to self-publish just to give them something to hold onto.
Sincerely yours,
Writer in search of a byline…
Dear Writer in search of a byline…,
Sure, some of us write anonymous advice columns for the mere pleasure of telling people what to do, but, for writers, the byline is the thing, right? It’s what indicates success in the world beyond our desks and computers. The world isn’t so fair on how it rewards artists. Your kids’ dad might get respect just by going to work in a suit, with a briefcase, and carrying a card that has some kind of important-sounding company on it. Meanwhile, writers sometimes barely leave the house, and many have nothing to reference that people understand or appreciate.
One thing I learned very early on in my writing life is that it is often a drag to reveal to people that I’m a writer. Not because I’m not proud – I am super fucking proud. I don’t love telling certain people I’m a writer because I don’t love wasting my time fielding the usual bullshit questions: What do you write about? What do you really do? Do you like Stephen King? Will you read this epic poem I’ve been writing for the past 11 years? Do you know a publisher for this comic vampire western romance novel written by my sister/co-worker/elderly neighbor?
And, believe me, women get these kinds of questions more than men do. Women are already starting from a place of being taken less seriously. Perhaps male writers get the benefit of the doubt that writing is an actual career. Women writers are viewed as hobbyists. Even Danielle Steele, who is in the freaking Guinness Book of World Records for her bookselling achievements, said this in a recent blog post: “It goes like this, I run into a man I know or meet at a dinner party for the first time in a long time. After hello, they open with, ‘So, are you still writing?’ … Yes, I am STILL writing. What this does is that it immediately puts my writing into the category as a hobby. As in, are you still taking piano lessons, doing macramé, have a parrot? I don’t have a huge ego about my work, but let’s face it, for me it is a job. A job I love, and I have been doing it since I was 19 years old.”
As much of a drag as it is to answer annoying questions, it will benefit us all if female writers answer the “What do you do for a living?” question with “I write, motherfucker, you got a problem with that?” (Although, maybe you shouldn’t say “motherfucker” around your kids. Your call.) Why should writers have to define “for a living” as “what makes money” or “what requires a suit” anyway? We write because it’s like breathing, it’s how we live. It’s what we DO for a LIVING.
All of this to say if your boss/cabdriver/uncle doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on with you, you can’t exactly expect a child to understand. What I admire about you, from the little I glean from this letter, is that, although you do sound a bit discouraged, you are steadfast in seeing yourself as a “real writer,” regardless of the fucked up messages we get from the world, and so these kids of yours are very lucky, because they have a parent who values herself and her writing and that’s important for kids to see, just as important as seeing their dad and his briefcase, however impressive and American that might seem.
But, there it is, right? Kids pick up on this shit from the very beginning, it seems. And, if they are school age, they understand what “work” cues are, from watching TV or from reading books or from their friends and their friends’ families. We don’t value the right things in this country. We certainly don’t value the arts. We especially don’t value women in the arts. And the fact that you are “embarrassed” to ask this question suggests that you understand the perceptions around you. So what do you do?
Your kids may not have the clearest idea of what you do for a living, but they are damn
proud of you, no matter what you do. Besides, kids don’t really make a distinction between the prestige of internet vs. print or a national website vs. a local blog. Call them over to your computer and show them your byline, big or small. Depending on the kind of writing you do, you could ask them to help you brainstorm pitch ideas for your next essay. The best lesson you could teach them – and yourself – is to be proud of what you do and to keep at it. There’s just no other way. So many of us write and, frankly, so few of us succeed, and ever fewer succeed on a grand scale. Keep at it, because you are a writer, and so you write.
Really my question to you is: do your kids need something tangible to hold on to…or do you?? You clearly know on an intellectual level that what you do matters, but there’s part of you that’s bought the bullshit about “success” that this country has been feeding you for years. I’m glad you are not passing along this self-dismissal to your kids. In fact, I don’t think it’s them you need to worry about here.
You’re a writer, lady; believe it.
Your,
Fury